Nine-Tenths of the Law
Rachel Baker

UNDERWORLD COURT OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION: PROPERTY DISPUTES
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
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BEFORE:
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THE DISHONORABLE PORTIA TARTARUS, JUDGE
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APPEARANCES:
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Plaintiff:
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JEDIDIAH KRENSHAW
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Defendant:
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BEELZAWHOOL
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Witness:
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MATTHEW BLEEKER
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Unknown Entity/Surprise Interruption/Plot Twist:
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???
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TRANSCRIBED BY:
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Francesca Kafka, Official Transcriber
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Who is also a cockroach. But a very clean and nice one. Really.
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Whereupon, at 101,020,823 o’clock, p.n.t.s.t. [really, it doesn’t matter, we’re in the Underworld and time is meaningless], before the Dishonorable Portia Tartarus, Judge, in Circuit Courtroom Number 180,023,093,902,239, the following commenced:
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P R O C E E D I N G S
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THE CLERK: All rise.
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THE COURT: A very horrid perpetual nighttime of suffering and torment, everyone. You may be seated. Now calling for the record of the case of Krenshaw v. Beelzawhool, civil number 4039-29383.
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THE CLERK: Here you are.
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THE COURT: Thank you. Now, this is a property dispute, if I’m not mistaken?
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THE CLERK: Yes, your Dishonor.
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THE COURT: The demon Beelzawhool, possessing a mortal, moved into the house at . . . 666 Ravenwood Drive and took possession of it.
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THE DEFENDANT: Yes, your Dishonor, I –
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THE COURT: I was not speaking to you yet, Beelzawhool.
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THE DEFENDANT: My apologies, Judge.
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THE COURT: Beelzawhool and his host moved into the house and took up residence, only to discover the house was haunted by the poltergeist Krenshaw, who claims ownership of the house by virtue of having been there longer. Is this correct?
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THE PLAINTIFF: Yes, your Dishonor.
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THE COURT: I see. Human courts would clearly favor the mortal owner, thus weighting Beelzawhool’s case and attempting to evict Krenshaw.
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THE DEFENDANT: Yes, your Dishonor. I considered summoning a team of ghost hunters but was afraid they would detect my presence and attempt to exorcise –
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THE COURT: Still not speaking to you, Mister Beelzawhool.
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THE DEFENDANT: Apologies, Judge.
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THE COURT: When did you take possession of the property, Krenshaw?
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THE PLAINTIFF: I purchased the land and began building the house in 1849, your Dishonor. It was completed four years later, and I lived there until my death.
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THE COURT: And you began haunting the house . . .
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THE PLAINTIFF: I hung myself in the attic in 1878 and have remained to this day.
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THE COURT: And you have chased off every mortal who attempts to reside there ever since?
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THE PLAINTIFF: Yes, your Dishonor. Everyone until Beelzawhool and his host.
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THE COURT: Impressive record.
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THE PLAINTIFF: Thank you, your Dishonor.
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THE COURT: You’re welcome. Out of interest, may I ask what methods you used?
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THE PLAINTIFF: Oh, the usual. I like to start small – moving things, eerie noises, appearing in the corner of the occupant’s eye. Moving up to nightmares, visions, bruises. Then I get a little creative. Bleeding walls, fingernail clippings on the floor for them to step on, phantom nooses to choke them as they walk through a doorway.
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THE COURT: Ooh, that is interesting.
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THE PLAINTIFF: Thank you, your Dishonor. Beelzawhool was . . . not so easy.
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THE COURT: I can imagine. Mister Beelzawhool. I am speaking to you, now.
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THE DEFENDANT: Yes, your Dishonor.
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THE COURT: Is your human host here today?
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THE DEFENDANT: No, your Dishonor, I didn’t realize –
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THE COURT: I would like to speak to her, him, it, them . . .
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THE DEFENDANT: Him.
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THE COURT: Him. How does he feel about the matter?
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THE DEFENDANT: Your Dishonor?
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THE COURT: Does he like residing in the house? Does he enjoy being your host, for that matter?
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THE DEFENDANT: Your Dishonor, I, uh, I never –
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THE COURT: You never asked him? You never discussed the nature of your relationship with your host? Tsk tsk, Mister Beelzawhool. Perhaps you should reevaluate this entire situation.
THE DEFENDANT: Y – yes, your Dishonor.
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THE COURT: Can we summon Mister Beelzawhool’s host to join these proceedings? I would like to hear the mortal’s opinions. Perhaps there’s even room for a symbiotic relationship of sorts, something that benefits all parties.
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THE CLERK: The Court of the Underworld calls the mortal Matthew Bleeker to the stand!
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THE WITNESS: Wh – where am I? What’s happening? Who – who are you? Is that – is that the thing that’s been haunting my house? And is that the thing that’s been possessing me?!
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THE COURT: Mister Bleeker.
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THE WITNESS: Ahh!
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THE COURT: Mister Bleeker.
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THE WITNESS: AHHH!!!
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THE COURT: Mister Bleeker, I am Judge Tartarus, and you are in my courtroom, in the Court of the Underworld. You are here because Beelzawhool, the demon currently possessing your body, and Krenshaw, the poltergeist currently possessing your house, are in a bit of a property dispute. I’m wondering if it’s possible to come to a peaceful resolution, maybe a ménage à trois of sorts?
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THE WITNESS: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
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THE COURT: I see. You’re dismissed, Mister Bleeker. Beelzawhool, I believe your possession rights should be thoroughly reexamined, but that is a separate matter. Before I reach a verdict on this case, however, I have a few more questions for you both. Krenshaw, are you willing to share your space with another entity, mortal or otherwise?
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THE PLAINTIFF: Perhaps, with the right entity, I suppose so.
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THE COURT: But not Beelzawhool, I take it?
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THE PLAINTIFF: Well, if we could establish some ground rules, maybe.
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THE COURT: I see. And Beelzawhool, would you consider some cohabitation counseling, perhaps alongside some remedial possession lessons? I do believe you and Krenshaw and Mister Bleeker could establish a happy home among the three of you.
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THE DEFENDANT: No, your Dishonor, I don’t think you understand. It gets cramped enough, sharing a body with a mortal. I want my own space, and I want it in that house. You’re dead, Krenshaw you don’t need it anymore! I bought it, I own it, fair and square!
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THE COURT: You bought it with your host’s money, not your own, Mister Beelzawhool, don’t forget that. Well, I believe I’ve come to a decision. Mister Krenshaw has owned the land the longest, he built the house and has possessed the property continuously, so I see no reason why –
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???: . . .
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TRANSCRIBER NOTE: This is where the ahem UNKNOWN ENTITY/SURPRISE INTERRUPTION/PLOT TWIST appeared in the courtroom surrounded by smoke. They said nothing, but then again, they didn’t really need to.
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THE COURT: Who is this that dares disrupt these unholy proceedings?
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???: It is not their property.
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THE COURT: Beg your pardon?
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???: You cannot own that place. No one can own that place. I am the land beneath the house. I am the spirit sighing on the breeze. I am the water in the brook, I am the animals in the trees, I am the dirt under your feet and the sky above your head. That place is mine and I am it, and it does not belong to you.
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THE COURT: I see. A genius loci. I didn’t realize the property had a prior claim.
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THE PLAINTIFF: What? That’s ridiculous! I purchased that plot in –
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THE COURT: You may have paid money for the land, Mister Krenshaw, but that does not mean you owned it. This spirit is the true owner of the land. Messrs. Krenshaw and Beelzawhool must vacate it immediately. Feel free to dispose of the house sitting on top of the land however you see fit, Spirit. I believe swallowing it whole is traditional, but you may also overrun it with vegetation and allow your animals to take up residence within. Whatever you like.
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Oh, and Beelzawhool, I am ordering you to release Mister Bleeker and return to hell for remedial possession lessons. You really do need to learn how to treat your hosts better. Case dismissed.
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THE PLAINTIFF: But I –
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THE DEFENDANT: Your Dishonor, I –
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THE COURT: Case. Dismissed.
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Whereupon, at 101,021,458 o’clock, p.n.t.s.t. [really, it still doesn’t matter -- time in the Underworld, as everywhere else, remains meaningless], proceedings concluded as Krenshaw evaporated, Beelzawhool was dragged screaming back to hell in a burst of flames, and the genius loci disappeared in another choking cloud of smoke. Judge Tartarus just wanted to go home and drink a cup of tea while reading a romance novel, but unfortunately still had 6,342,343,938,503,248 more cases on her docket.

Rachel Baker
Rachel Baker haunts the Pacific Northwest with her sister and their cat, Boo, writing spooky stories, knitting warm things, and devouring every book in her path.